Profiles In Scourge

Disturbing revelations kept cropping up while perusing Rolling Stone‘s feature on reviled blogger-slash- “internet personality” Perez Hilton (real name Mario Lavandeira). Reading the piece was like reading a police profile of a serial killer, who turns out to really be a developmentally disabled man-child or something? But then maybe at the end he’s having the last laugh? Some highlights:

  • “Celebrities are just so crazy…I love it. They are just so much fun. And I’m all about the fun. That’s one of my mottoes: Just have fun. And if it’s not fun, make it fun. Follow the fun, create the fun, be all about having fun.” Someone needs to invest in a thesaurus.
  • He makes an estimated $250K from his site alone, not counting his other sources of revenue (ie book deal, TV show, promotional appearances).
  • “I’m not a celebrity. These days, a celebrity is someone who is famous just for being famous. It’s got negative connotations. I’m an entertainer, I’m a worker, I’m a busy bee, dripping honey everywhere(emphasis mine). Oh. God.
  • Besides spending most of his childhood in bed, watching an inordinate amount of television–everything from She-Ra to Melrose Place–he was afraid of sea creatures in the ocean. Also: his own toilet. Which led him to soil himself “three or four times, unexpectedly, unwillingly, unhappily and so traumatically that he remembers each instance to this day.”
  • When his father died, while Perez was still a teenager, he shrugged it off and went on with his life. “That’s what I do. I just don’t let things bother me. I had a happy childhood. I lived in my own little fantasy world. My childhood was fun.” And…denial.
  • He claims he doesn’t dream when he sleeps. Please, someone with a psych degree analyze this article and get back to me?
  • When he excuses himself in the middle of the interview to use the bathroom, he says he has to “tinkle.”
  • Brace yourself for this one: “I don’t masturbate that much, either,” he goes on. “I do it at least once a week. But I should do it more.”

Wow…and whoa! Does any of this explain his obsession with doodling coke snot and cum on the photos he posts on his site? How does it not? How did he become the bane of Hollywood and the scourge of the internets? Is this the Twilight Zone? I think Walter Winchell just shat himself from beyond the grave.

Perez Hilton: The Queen of Mean [Rolling Stone]

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2 Responses to Profiles In Scourge

  1. twoblueday says:

    I have no idea who Perez Hilton is.
    Let’s leave it that way.

  2. ephemerist says:

    @Twoblue: which is why there was no link to him. I did it for the children.

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