Conspiracy Theories: Only the Good Die Young

newcokehabit.jpgWith Lindsay Lohan’s latest drug-related kerfuffle and subsequent return to rehab (the hat trick!), our tabloid-crazed nation once again wonders what will become of her. Some speculate on how her legal woes will play out, and others wonder if Lohan may not be long for this world. Which would be tragic, right? Unless…

If La Lohan were to fall victim to her excesses, who benefits? Who profits most?

Well, her mother/enabler, the oompah loompah-colored urban cougar Dina Lohan comes to mind. Perhaps, bear with me, mama Lohan is gaslighting her daughter towards an early grave. Currently, with her accruing legal fees and expensive rehab vacations, Lindsay’s a financial drain, squandering all the good will her supposed talent has earned her. But, but!, if she, oh, I don’t know, dies tragically and all too young, like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe before her it might be a licensing bonanza.

I wonder if Dina doesn’t have a warehouse on Long Island full of Lohan merchandise, ashtrays, lunch boxes, clocks, salt ‘n’ pepper shakers, just waiting to be rolled out on a mournful nation. As for the inroads the family has made in the entertainment industry, their “brand”, well there’s Lindsay’s fresh-faced little sister, Lohan 2.0, waiting in the wings.

Listen, I certainly don’t want to see Lohan shuffle of this mortal coil, but if she does…see how long it takes for the commemorative tchotchkes to appear.

O Hai [image via LOLhan]

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