I know how it is, you’re all, summer’s here and I haven’t made any plans. Crap! It snuck up on me, now what am I going to do? Thankfully, the recent issue of People magazine is here to help (it’s the one with the wonky-eyed ex-con on the front) with a list of “20 Things To Do This Summer.” So now you’re all, awesome, thanks for saving me from watching shitty re-runs of According to Jim and sorting my toenail clippings. But then you skim the suggestions and make the horrible realization that People is written for shut-ins and the criminally insane. For example: 1) Go barefoot.
Alright, slow start, but it’ll pick up you say. Sadly, no.
2) Catch a firefly.
This list is fucking awesome if you just came out of a coma and are trying to repair your synapses, otherwise, WTF?
4) Play charades
10) Sip a fruity drink through a straw
13) Run through a sprinkler
15)Skip a stone
Skip a goddam stone. That’s your advice for the BEST SUMMER EVER? Whoever the hell iPhoned this in doesn’t even deserve to be working at Reader’s Digest.
Also, everything on this list can be accomplished in ONE DAY. What the hell else will fill the summer days and oh those summer nights, People? Huh? Huh?
Then, you think to yourself that if you’re reading People magazine, you might actually enjoy watching According to Jim and 11) Fly[ing] a kite, and all your mock outrage is for naught.