The Privelege of BBQ

bbq.jpgA while ago I made slight mentioned of my BBQ club, which basically consists of me and three friends who meet semi-regularly to indulge in the finest barbecued pork flesh this fair city has to offer. The origins of the club are shrouded in mystery and the rules of membership arcane and Draconian. Actually, they aren’t. There are scant few rules (we’re still drawing up the bylaws) besides 1) you don’t eat ribs with a fork and knife and 2) the club doesn’t accept membership applications. We don’t even have a name yet, though we’re leaning towards “Barbecuties”! That doesn’t mean we don’t separately indulge in the pork with other friends, it’s just that “the club” is sort of exclusive, forged in the fires of a three month children’s theater tour; an experience that will bond anyone together (or unite them against a certain militant raw foodist with a penchant for wearing hemp karate pants. We sooo don’t like said individual, still!).

Anyhoo, as I was cleaning out my inbox, I came across a missive from a certain frenemy of the Barbecuties (just trying it out) who got wind of our little group and thought she deserved inclusion. Here’s the letter:

Y’all.

It has come to my attention that you are members of a certain BBQ club with a level of exclusivity that may even extend to me. [Redacted]. Who’s three favorite words in the English Language are “pulled pork platter”.

And while I would never dream of asking you to bend any rules or violate your code, I say unto you:

I love barbeque.
And I love you two.
And I don’t see enough of either.

And with just the power of the word “yes” we can change all that today.

You don’t have to call it a meeting of the club, you don’t even have to acknowledge that such a club exists: you need only say “yes”.

Yes to hanging out;
Yes to friendship;
Yes to Barbeque.

Reach into your hearts and say Yes.

Yours sincerely,

[Redacted]

We left it to our official spokesman to reply . His cogent dismissal after the jump.

My dearest [Redacted],

As Holy Royal Grand Emperor of the BBQ Club, I thank you for your interest in our group.

We began in 2002 as young theater artists traveling across these United
States. Our common need for friendship and various barbecued meats was
the one constant that helped us endure many trying times on the road. Club
gatherings have now become an almost sacred tradition.

Your proposal has been received with both open hearts and minds.

Unfortunately, while we say ” ‘YES’ to friendship!” and ” ‘UP’ with [Redacted]!!”, we are unable to extend membership — in any form — to the BBQ club, our love for you notwithstanding.

We wish you the best in your continued appreciation of barbecue.

Love,
[Redacted]
“Cogito ergo voro sus.” (“I think, therefore I consume swine.”)
— Dom DeLuise

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4 Responses to The Privelege of BBQ

  1. Susan says:

    Since I actually like in the South, a stone-throw away from Lexington (Yes, THE Lexington, as in “Gee, this Lexington-style BBQ sure is tasty”…), I feel that I should be extended the offer of Chief Pork Counsel. Or at least be given “AP” credentials (Associated Porker).

  2. Jane Gavin says:

    Yeah? Well, I’m in a bookclub which you can’t join. Poo on you.

  3. Jenna says:

    Some things loose their sacred nature when inclusion is considered an obligatory part of said “friendship.”

    Exclusivity supported.

  4. ephemerist says:

    @ Jenna:
    True!

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