Gchats With Kelly: Petricide

word_bubble_right.gif In this thrilling installment of Gchats With Kelly, the semi-regular feature where I break up my work-a-day tedium with online banter, Kelly messages me to discuss the health of her pet mouse. Well, anything to distract from clockwatching is fine by me, I s’pose. As is the custom, everything below is [sic] with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: my little brown mouse has a respiratory infection and is ‘chattering’ like little mouse squeaks and sneezes all the time

I feel guilty because I’m hoping she kicks off soon cause I’m on NO SLEEP

because of it

Ephemerist: terrible

is it really that loud

Kelly: seriously

I’ve never heard anything like it

plus I feel bad for her

but not much you can do

I already have the kind of bedding that is good for mice with this problem

Ephemerist: how do you know it’s that?

also, you could do a mercy killing

or, will she get better?

Kelly: I don’t know, I don’t think so

she has gone wildly downhill out of no where

I did some reading and this one website had FAQs and one was like

when is it okay to mercy kill my mouse

and they were like never

and then listed off like 10 things /ways to kill the mouse

stressing you should NOT do them because it’s not humane

so I was like WHY TELL ME THEM

give me ideas

Ephemerist: that’s helpful

really it’s a test of your morality or conscience

Kelly: totally

Ephemerist: we both totally know where this is going

Kelly: I’m not going to kill my mouse

by putting it in the freezer

or plastic bag

or suffocating

or feeding it to an animal

Ephemerist: what if you just hold it’s tiny nose and mouth closed

Kelly: it’s also scratching a lot

so they suggested TAPING ITS BACK FEET

with little mouse mits

Ephemerist: also, I’d pay to see the look on Ivana’s face when she opened the freezer and saw a tiny zipoc-coffined mouse.

also, what other ways do they temp you to kill your animal but then pull the ol’ humane card

Kelly: Asphyxiation by carbon dioxide, by drowning, or in a plastic bag; freezing, cervical dislocation, or feeding to another animal

Ephemerist: cervical dislocation? You break your mouse’s pussy?

Kelly: i was wondering about that

I think I gave her the infection by not cleaning the cage enough

seriously how can I ever have kids

Ephemerist: yer, but, how does that really work?

Kelly: I can’t even take care of mice!

Ephemerist: never. have. kids.

Kelly: as a rule. or just worried about me

Ephemerist: or, prepare for frequent trips to the allergist, the pediatrician, the school therapist. as a rule for you. for now.


Kelly: man now I really feel like crap

Ephemerist: no. don’t.

I didn’t mean…

Kelly: well mostly about the mouse

Ephemerist: oh.

at least you also know 10 ways to kill a person now, too

Kelly: and the whole unfit to be a mother thing you’ve stuck on me too

thanks for the c-punch

Ephemerist: don’t use them on me.

It was more a cervical dislocation than a full on c-punch.

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One Response to Gchats With Kelly: Petricide

  1. Jane Gavin says:

    One time, I had to kill a mouse. Many years ago, in Santa Fe we had a mouse problem in the house so we put poison out. We came home one day and saw a cute little mouse in the middle of the kitchen floor, convulsing in pain from the poison. But alive. We had to put it out of its misery but couldn’t figure out how. We ended up drowning it. But it was horrible. I’m still upset about it. It had to suffer twice.
    We removed the poison and decided the Hantavirus couldn’t be worse than mercy killing a mouse.

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