In this thrilling installment of Gchats With Kelly, the semi-regular feature where I break up my work-a-day tedium with online banter, Kelly messages me to discuss the health of her pet mouse. Well, anything to distract from clockwatching is fine by me, I s’pose. As is the custom, everything below is [sic] with ever so minor editing for clarity.
Kelly: my little brown mouse has a respiratory infection and is ‘chattering’ like little mouse squeaks and sneezes all the time
I feel guilty because I’m hoping she kicks off soon cause I’m on NO SLEEP
because of it
is it really that loud
I’ve never heard anything like it
plus I feel bad for her
but not much you can do
I already have the kind of bedding that is good for mice with this problem
Ephemerist: how do you know it’s that?
also, you could do a mercy killing
or, will she get better?
Kelly: I don’t know, I don’t think so
she has gone wildly downhill out of no where
I did some reading and this one website had FAQs and one was like
when is it okay to mercy kill my mouse
and they were like never
and then listed off like 10 things /ways to kill the mouse
stressing you should NOT do them because it’s not humane
so I was like WHY TELL ME THEM
give me ideas
Ephemerist: that’s helpful
really it’s a test of your morality or conscience
Ephemerist: we both totally know where this is going
Kelly: I’m not going to kill my mouse
by putting it in the freezer
or plastic bag
or feeding it to an animal
Ephemerist: what if you just hold it’s tiny nose and mouth closed
Kelly: it’s also scratching a lot
so they suggested TAPING ITS BACK FEET
with little mouse mits
Ephemerist: also, I’d pay to see the look on Ivana’s face when she opened the freezer and saw a tiny zipoc-coffined mouse.
also, what other ways do they temp you to kill your animal but then pull the ol’ humane card
Kelly: Asphyxiation by carbon dioxide, by drowning, or in a plastic bag; freezing, cervical dislocation, or feeding to another animal
Ephemerist: cervical dislocation? You break your mouse’s pussy?
Kelly: i was wondering about that
I think I gave her the infection by not cleaning the cage enough
seriously how can I ever have kids
Ephemerist: yer, but, how does that really work?
Kelly: I can’t even take care of mice!
Ephemerist: never. have. kids.
Kelly: as a rule. or just worried about me
Ephemerist: or, prepare for frequent trips to the allergist, the pediatrician, the school therapist. as a rule for you. for now.
Kelly: man now I really feel like crap
Ephemerist: no. don’t.
I didn’t mean…
Kelly: well mostly about the mouse
at least you also know 10 ways to kill a person now, too
Kelly: and the whole unfit to be a mother thing you’ve stuck on me too
thanks for the c-punch
Ephemerist: don’t use them on me.
It was more a cervical dislocation than a full on c-punch.