In this week’s thrilling installment of the Ephemerist’s chat sessions with Kelly (anything to avoid work, right?) it’s all about biological clocks and mysterious injuries. It’s not pretty, kids, but it beats making travel reservations for your boss. As is the custom, everything below is [sic], with ever so minor editing for clarity.
Kelly: Becca’s baby pictures make me depressed for some reason. does that make me a selfish horrible person Ephemerist: um, no. Is this about your lady clock? do you want to make the tiny baby inside your oven?
Kelly: i don’t know. It’s worse than that, like Becca was suck an f-up in school and it’s wonderful that she is so well centered now with house and family
but I want to feel better about myself and I can’t do that with out some major f-ups aroundEphemerist: right. Well, if it makes you feel better, most of our friends are unmarried, childless, emotionally stunted f-ups. right? hooray us!
and on the subject of schadenfreude, perhaps that explains why I’m still friends with “Wingfield”. It alternately makes me feel better/hate myself.
Kelly: I guess it is sort of Elizabeth, but she is more frantic than anything not really a f-up Ephemerist: Yeah, she doesn’t count. I think you have your fair share of distracting, frazzled friends, but no proper f-ups
Kelly: true Ephemerist: meh. You really want to pop out a kid? Now?
Kelly: no- it was the more life package thing Ephemerist: bah
Kelly: like precieved notion that life is on track
which is stupid I know Ephemerist: You can always move to the burbs, teach English class, or drama, pop out a kid. It’s up to you. Opportunity costs, ya know?
Kelly: yeahEphemerist: Gotta get a ring on that finger first, though.
Otherwise, the neighbors will talk.
Kelly: thanks, yeah well that’s still another 2-3 years away
according to Giannikopoulos standards [Ed: Giannikopoulos is Kelly’s bf]
Kelly: like timeline or – i always pick on him because he said he has to know someone 3-4 years before getting married
or date rather Ephemerist: well. that’s a good ballpark rule, I guess.
Kelly: that’s where my whole – ‘my expiration date, and sell by date, are almost the same’Ephemerist: right. Well, you’re the one with a taste for younger men. If you found yourself a hot grandpa type, you’d totally be fine.
Kelly: I know, I think secretly I’m scared of it all
so I keep going for people that are younger
so I can blame them Ephemerist: Like some sort of non-lethal black widow?
Just don’t turn into that urban cougar type lady…in fifteen years, stalking hipsters to lure back to your apartment, still in Williamsburg. “It’s okay,” you say as you lead the slightly inebriated, 21 year old sculptor up the five flights of stairs, “my roommates out of town.”
Kelly: that’s my biggest fear Ephemerist: yeah, pretty much.
Kelly: i have to go to the doctor tomorrow Ephemerist: why? ladyparts? Kelly: no I hurt my foot awhile back and it keeps coming back and it hurts :( Ephemerist: huh. Better than ladyparts
Kelly: yeah actually, I guess I just hope its like a go away soon kinda thing
not you need a new foot/ expensive special shoes or inserts or whatever else
Ephemerist: right. old lady shoes, I see it in your future.
Kelly: Demetri thinks it’s a potassium deficiency, which I find ironic since the doctor I’m going to is Dr. Delmonte
Ephemerist: What are you wearing? Dr. Scholl’s stilettos? sexy
Ephemerist: maybe, I don’t know, you should rescind your ban on bananas
Kelly: I KNOW
and I know stupid Dr. Delmonte is going to make me
maybe eat bananas in baby food?
disguise ’em a little. Or smoothies.
Kelly: I always avoid smoothies with bananas in them because the aftertaste makes me want to
Ephemerist: I don’t know of this “aftertaste” i think its psychosomatic. You’re a bananaphobe. I actually think there’s a lot of potassium in Kale, but don’t quote me. Actually, I completely pulled that fact out of my ass.
Kelly: I actually like kale
Ephemerist: better check out my claim, then.
Kelly: on it
Ephemerist: Also, you like Kale more than bananas? that’s seriously warped.
Kelly: dried apricots are high on all the lists
more than bananas
Ephemerist: wow. there you go.
apricots. solved. Send the Greek out to fetch them posthaste
Kelly: and dried figs
which I love!
Ephemerist: No fig newtons, I’m guessing?
wait i think places are going more in alpha order
which is why apricots are highest
Ephemerist: ha. fooled.
Kelly: i’m cranky. i called in sick yesterday.
i just don’t want to work anymore at all
Ephemerist: wow. what did you do all day? it was awesome out.
Kelly: I hobbled down to the park on my bum foot
Ephemerist: I was so cranky this morning for nooooo reason other than I was.
how gimped are you?
Kelly: not bad now it was awful on Monday, because Demetri and I walked all over Sunday and it flared up/ swelled up but I slept there so I had to wear the same shoes to work
after yesterday it is much better and I’m wearing my new Merrell sneaks with awesome support
and doing epsom salt soaks/ arnica and it’s okay
Ephemerist: The Devil Wears Dr. Scholls?
Sorry, for some reason that popped into my head, this mean old lady with orthopedic kicks and a track suit who berates her underlings
Kelly: but I’m goign to the doctor because it keeps coming back, it’s like a small charley horse on the inside of my foot that doesn’t go away. Im not happy about going to the doctor tomorrow
i hate doctors!
Ephemerist: is he even going to diagnose it? is it a foot doctor
I got a recommendation, I didn’t want to waste time going to my doctor only to have them send me to a foot doctor- and he’s close by so I’m just going on a long lunch
Ephemerist: is it covered by insurance?
well I’ll have to pay $20 I think
Kelly: I hope that’s all, they said they took PPO
thats my insurance
Ephemerist: right I figured
Not POOP which is most insurance plans
Kelly: i got a walking boot
i look like a retarded astronaut
no fucking way. those big plasticy ones
Kelly: not happy
Ephemerist: what did they say
Kelly: just when I started working out again
i’m going to be fat forever
that its ‘soft tissue’
what does that mean
Kelly: a bad muscle pull or something
Ephemerist: why did they give you the boot, so to speak?
Kelly: that I have to wear this thing for two weeks and let the swelling go down
so he can see
Kelly: I freaked out and after he left made the nurses go get him and was like
Do I HAVE to wear this thing
and he was like you don’t HAVE to but if you want this to go away in two weeks I think you should
and the stupid thing is $250
i’m fucked if the insurance doesn’t cover
but I was assured ‘they should’
but couldn’t get a100%
Ephemerist: that totally trumps the air cast I wore when I twisted my ankle wearing cami’s high heels.
but let’s not talk about that. did they have the astroboot there in the office?
they sent you away with it like a shitty door prize, and 250 in the hole? sort of.
I’ve got it on now
I spacewalked back to work with my other sneaker in a bag