Gchats With Kelly: The Devil’s Inbox

Sometimes the only thing that can keep you from losing your mind to the soul-sucking minutiae of office life is to know you’re not the only one wallowing in hell of copy machines, burnt coffee and office politics. Sometimes you need someone to mirror your experiences. Sometimes, you just need a lifeline to the outside world. Herein, the first installment of Gchats with Kelly, a fellow office drone. Minor edits have been made clarity and content, and everything below is [sic], obvi.

Kelly: I have 666 emails right now.no one else can email me – because I have the devil’s inbox Ephemerist: jesu! Kelly: you should start a band called Devil’s inbox Ephemerist: that’s awesome.Kelly: now i’m just sitting here waiting for an email to ruin it i think that waiting for emails is like 90% of my day


Ephemerist: doing a mass mailing is like death by a 1000 papercuts Kelly: I actually bled all over a mass mailing/ stock option thing once Ephemerist: nice!!!! Kelly: you couldn’t tell individually but when they were stacked it was this zig zag of blood down all the envelopes it was sort of awful but cool

Ephemerist: there’s a fruit tray in the conference room that looks suspiciously like the one from yesterday. Do I chance eating a piece of day old fruit that’s been moldering?

not quite sophie’s choice, but these are the dilemmas that plague me

Kelly: that’s gross.

don’t do it Ephemerist: ;(


Kelly: it’s more like a ‘Siren’ or ‘Light’ choice

Ephemerist: agreed. but i’ve run out of things to consume here to fill the gaping void inside me.

Kelly: where’s that gun?

Ephemerist: empty. Sigh.



Ephemerist: We just had a tea crisis. NO earl grey that wasn’t decaf, and we had to serve it to the English Consulate…can you imagine! [hyperbole intended]

Kelly: aaaahhhhh

mmm I miss high tea at plaza

Ephemerist: I miss the plaza

SAD : (

Kelly: tooo much has changed since we’ve been living here

i feel old

Ephemerist: I know. I”ve only been here for 6.5 yrs

Kelly: I have been here for 7YEARS in June


no wonder I’m itching – like I left for months at a time at first but this Sept I will have lived straight for 4 years in the brooklyn apt.


Ephemerist: I’ll be hitting 7 in October.

Kelly: i need some sort of change

Ephemerist: I know how you feel. let’s go to Iraq.
Kelly: i try to remind myself how lucky I am to just be safe and sound with all that is going on in this world

but then i forget and it all just seems poopy and hard


Ephemerist: I was serious about Iraq — do a little investigating, shake it up…

okay, maybe not iraq…soviet union..eastern bloc

Kelly: im too chicken

I would like to go visit my friend in Dubai

Ephemerist: I’m not fond of dubai…they hate Jews…it’s a scary place…Like Monte Carlo…only with more misogyny and beheadings.

Kelly: yeah it is exploding now with development

will be like Mos Eisley of the world now

Ephemerist: I know. doesn’t change things. Also: slavery.

Mos Eisley?

Kelly: i don’t know how to spell the Star wars place

bad enough that I’m referencing it

Ephemerist: oh. right.



actually, that’s exactly how you spell it…must be some sort of nerd osmosis

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