Raw Deal

Holy akslfjsjfslf! I finally get back on the internets, trying to catch up on this week’s 30 Rock, repair my iLife, do a little chatting on the Facebook (ugh! Scary apps!) and then check the news, only to learn that our lame duck president is going to appear on Deal or no Deal. Did I slip into a coma and wake up to find, oh, say, the world has folded in on itself? Has The Hills somehow supplanted reality and we are all poorly acting our way through a badly scripted version of the real world? (Not The Real World, but the really real world.)

What the thing is, is that an Army Captain is appearing on the execrable game show, and Bush apparently taped a “good luck” message to the soldier, and Iraq vet who “served three tours of duty in Iraq and received a Purple Heart for injuries after his truck was blown up in 2004.” Which is great, except, maybe if he hadn’t gone to war, and didn’t suffer injuries, then he could just be another dude on a game show whose only tour of duty would be the one he taped in front of a live studio audience, facing the daunting (not really) enemy that is Howie Mandel. “Sorry we couldn’t better armor that Humvee, heh heh, or provide an adequate rationale for going to war in the first place, but I hope you pick the right briefcase” you can almost imagine Bush saying as he licks his lips in anticipation of a near beer. Deal or no Deal? How about Deal or Raw Deal?

Sweet withering fuck, what am I on about? I’m certain that there’s a better parody of this/eloquent take down to be made, but I don’t have it in me. I’m tired of going around Howard Beale-ing while the New Yorker is spilling ink trying to justify the existence of Lauren Conrad and her telegenic ilk. I’m just trying to get my blog legs back. And wrap my head around the fact that I was made redundant at (one of) my job (s) today due tangentally to the subprime crisis/Wall Street jitteriness. Let it trickle down!

Shee-it! At this point I’d like to kick back with my guns and my beer and vote my prejudices versus my interests. It’s getting to that. Only I’m too soft. I still like my coffee gayed up a little and will flip over to listen to NPR if the mood strikes.

So, our esteemed leader videotaped a message of luck for a combat veteran of a war he lied the country into, to be broadcast on an insipid game show that most of America is more interested in than the state of our flailing union anyway, and it somehow seems so right that to rail against it is futile. Dots, connect them for yourself. Didn’t our heroes used to get ticker tape parades?

King and Queen of the Apocalypse

If the apocalypse were somehow like a cross between the prom and a heinous costume contest, these two totally have my vote for king and queen.

[image via]

I Like It, I Love It, I Want More Of It

Okay, I know the clip has been circulating the internets ad nauseum, but I can’t get enough of perpetual hobbit Elijah Wood showing us his “dancey dance” on Yo Gabba Gabba! I’m going to use “the Puppetmaster” as my new workout routine. For serious, that shit’ll make you sweat.

Word of the Day: Pestilence

Ah, summer approaches, bringing with it the pleasures of dining al fresco, lazy Sundays spent in the park, the possibility of a seasonal romance and maychance the Plague!

In honor of the globe-trotting incubator of “a rare and exceptionally dangerous form of tuberculosis” who’s currently taking a little government-supervised vacay at the CDC –and who may or may not be an agent of the Apocalypse–the word of the day is pestilence:

pes·ti·lence
n.

1. A usually fatal epidemic disease, especially bubonic plague.

2. A pernicious, evil influence or agent.

Seriously, for a hypochondriac like me this news doesn’t sit well; I’m mainlining Airborne as I type this. Just when the weather was pleasant enough for me to leave my hovel and enjoy the outdoors, among the madding crowd, this phlegm-ridden harbinger of Doomsday appears. Fuck. Looks like I’ll be packing my respirator along with my bathing suit when I hit the beach. You can never be too careful!