Gchats With Kelly: Demographics

In this brief installment of Gchats With Kelly, the semi-regular feature where I break up work-a-day tedium with online banter, Kelly and I prove we’re one step closer to sharing a Borg-like single consciousness. As is the custom, everything below is [sic] with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: today I got hit on by my third large African American man in the past week or so it’s official I have gained back all the weight I lost

[The following lines were essentially sent simultaneously]

Ephemerist: Well, at least you have a demographic

Kelly: that is now my key demographic

Gchats With Kelly: Maternity

In this continuing installment of Gchats With Kelly, the semi-regular feature where I break up my work-a-day tedium with online banter, Kelly laments the fertility of her office.  As is the custom, everything below is [sic] with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: the girl on the other side of me now is pregnant it never ends. I’m thinking about faking a pregnancy so I can get the maternatiy leave.

Ephemerist: that will only end badly. Like some sort of terrible sitcom plot. Then you’ll have to fake a miscarriage or something.

Gchats With Kelly: Petricide

In this thrilling installment of Gchats With Kelly, the semi-regular feature where I break up my work-a-day tedium with online banter, Kelly messages me to discuss the health of her pet mouse. Well, anything to distract from clockwatching is fine by me, I s’pose. As is the custom, everything below is [sic] with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: my little brown mouse has a respiratory infection and is ‘chattering’ like little mouse squeaks and sneezes all the time

I feel guilty because I’m hoping she kicks off soon cause I’m on NO SLEEP

because of it

Ephemerist: terrible

is it really that loud

Kelly: seriously

I’ve never heard anything like it

plus I feel bad for her

but not much you can do

I already have the kind of bedding that is good for mice with this problem

Ephemerist: how do you know it’s that?

also, you could do a mercy killing

or, will she get better?

Kelly: I don’t know, I don’t think so

she has gone wildly downhill out of no where

I did some reading and this one website had FAQs and one was like

when is it okay to mercy kill my mouse

and they were like never

and then listed off like 10 things /ways to kill the mouse

stressing you should NOT do them because it’s not humane

so I was like WHY TELL ME THEM

give me ideas

Ephemerist: that’s helpful

really it’s a test of your morality or conscience

Kelly: totally

Ephemerist: we both totally know where this is going

Kelly: I’m not going to kill my mouse

by putting it in the freezer

or plastic bag

or suffocating

or feeding it to an animal

Ephemerist: what if you just hold it’s tiny nose and mouth closed

Kelly: it’s also scratching a lot

so they suggested TAPING ITS BACK FEET

with little mouse mits

Ephemerist: also, I’d pay to see the look on Ivana’s face when she opened the freezer and saw a tiny zipoc-coffined mouse.

also, what other ways do they temp you to kill your animal but then pull the ol’ humane card

Kelly: Asphyxiation by carbon dioxide, by drowning, or in a plastic bag; freezing, cervical dislocation, or feeding to another animal

Ephemerist: cervical dislocation? You break your mouse’s pussy?

Kelly: i was wondering about that

I think I gave her the infection by not cleaning the cage enough

seriously how can I ever have kids

Ephemerist: yer, but, how does that really work?

Kelly: I can’t even take care of mice!

Ephemerist: never. have. kids.

Kelly: as a rule. or just worried about me

Ephemerist: or, prepare for frequent trips to the allergist, the pediatrician, the school therapist. as a rule for you. for now.

negotiable.

Kelly: man now I really feel like crap

Ephemerist: no. don’t.

I didn’t mean…

Kelly: well mostly about the mouse

Ephemerist: oh.

at least you also know 10 ways to kill a person now, too

Kelly: and the whole unfit to be a mother thing you’ve stuck on me too

thanks for the c-punch

Ephemerist: don’t use them on me.

It was more a cervical dislocation than a full on c-punch.

Gchats With Kelly: Kelly Gets the Boot

In this week’s thrilling installment of the Ephemerist’s chat sessions with Kelly (anything to avoid work, right?) it’s all about biological clocks and mysterious injuries. It’s not pretty, kids, but it beats making travel reservations for your boss. As is the custom, everything below is [sic], with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: Becca’s baby pictures make me depressed for some reason. does that make me a selfish horrible person Ephemerist: um, no. Is this about your lady clock? do you want to make the tiny baby inside your oven?

Kelly: i don’t know. It’s worse than that, like Becca was suck an f-up in school and it’s wonderful that she is so well centered now with house and family

but I want to feel better about myself and I can’t do that with out some major f-ups aroundEphemerist: right. Well, if it makes you feel better, most of our friends are unmarried, childless, emotionally stunted f-ups. right? hooray us!

and on the subject of schadenfreude, perhaps that explains why I’m still friends with “Wingfield”. It alternately makes me feel better/hate myself.

Kelly: I guess it is sort of Elizabeth, but she is more frantic than anything not really a f-up Ephemerist: Yeah, she doesn’t count. I think you have your fair share of distracting, frazzled friends, but no proper f-ups

Kelly: true Ephemerist: meh. You really want to pop out a kid? Now?

Kelly: no- it was the more life package thing Ephemerist: bah

Kelly: like precieved notion that life is on track

which is stupid I know Ephemerist: You can always move to the burbs, teach English class, or drama, pop out a kid. It’s up to you. Opportunity costs, ya know?

Kelly: yeahEphemerist: Gotta get a ring on that finger first, though.

Otherwise, the neighbors will talk.

Kelly: thanks, yeah well that’s still another 2-3 years away

at least

according to Giannikopoulos standards [Ed: Giannikopoulos is Kelly's bf]

Ephemerist: “Standards?”

Kelly: like timeline or – i always pick on him because he said he has to know someone 3-4 years before getting married

or date rather Ephemerist: well. that’s a good ballpark rule, I guess.

Kelly: that’s where my whole – ‘my expiration date, and sell by date, are almost the same’Ephemerist: right. Well, you’re the one with a taste for younger men. If you found yourself a hot grandpa type, you’d totally be fine.

Kelly: I know, I think secretly I’m scared of it all

so I keep going for people that are younger

so I can blame them Ephemerist: Like some sort of non-lethal black widow?

Just don’t turn into that urban cougar type lady…in fifteen years, stalking hipsters to lure back to your apartment, still in Williamsburg. “It’s okay,” you say as you lead the slightly inebriated, 21 year old sculptor up the five flights of stairs, “my roommates out of town.”

Kelly: that’s my biggest fear Ephemerist: yeah, pretty much.

###

Kelly: i have to go to the doctor tomorrow Ephemerist: why? ladyparts? Kelly: no I hurt my foot awhile back and it keeps coming back and it hurts :( Ephemerist: huh. Better than ladyparts

Kelly: yeah actually, I guess I just hope its like a go away soon kinda thing

not you need a new foot/ expensive special shoes or inserts or whatever else

Ephemerist: right. old lady shoes, I see it in your future.

Kelly: Demetri thinks it’s a potassium deficiency, which I find ironic since the doctor I’m going to is Dr. Delmonte

Ephemerist: What are you wearing? Dr. Scholl’s stilettos? sexy

Kelly: thanks

Ephemerist: maybe, I don’t know, you should rescind your ban on bananas

Kelly: I KNOW

and I know stupid Dr. Delmonte is going to make me

barf

Ephemerist: hahaha.

maybe eat bananas in baby food?

disguise ‘em a little. Or smoothies.

Kelly: I always avoid smoothies with bananas in them because the aftertaste makes me want to

barf

Ephemerist: I don’t know of this “aftertaste” i think its psychosomatic. You’re a bananaphobe. I actually think there’s a lot of potassium in Kale, but don’t quote me. Actually, I completely pulled that fact out of my ass.

Kelly: I actually like kale

Ephemerist: better check out my claim, then.

Kelly: on it

Ephemerist: Also, you like Kale more than bananas? that’s seriously warped.

Kelly: dried apricots are high on all the lists

more than bananas

yes

i do

Ephemerist: wow. there you go.

apricots. solved. Send the Greek out to fetch them posthaste

Kelly: and dried figs

which I love!

Ephemerist: No fig newtons, I’m guessing?

Kelly: no

wait i think places are going more in alpha order

which is why apricots are highest

fuckers

Ephemerist: ha. fooled.

Kelly: i’m cranky. i called in sick yesterday.

i just don’t want to work anymore at all

Ephemerist: wow. what did you do all day? it was awesome out.

Kelly: I hobbled down to the park on my bum foot

Ephemerist: I was so cranky this morning for nooooo reason other than I was.

how gimped are you?

Kelly: not bad now it was awful on Monday, because Demetri and I walked all over Sunday and it flared up/ swelled up but I slept there so I had to wear the same shoes to work

after yesterday it is much better and I’m wearing my new Merrell sneaks with awesome support

and doing epsom salt soaks/ arnica and it’s okay

Ephemerist: The Devil Wears Dr. Scholls?

Sorry, for some reason that popped into my head, this mean old lady with orthopedic kicks and a track suit who berates her underlings

Kelly: but I’m goign to the doctor because it keeps coming back, it’s like a small charley horse on the inside of my foot that doesn’t go away. Im not happy about going to the doctor tomorrow

i hate doctors!

Ephemerist: is he even going to diagnose it? is it a foot doctor

Kelly: yeah

I got a recommendation, I didn’t want to waste time going to my doctor only to have them send me to a foot doctor- and he’s close by so I’m just going on a long lunch

Ephemerist: is it covered by insurance?

Kelly: yeah

well I’ll have to pay $20 I think

copay

Ephemerist: thasgood

Kelly: I hope that’s all, they said they took PPO

thats my insurance

plan

Ephemerist: right I figured

Not POOP which is most insurance plans

###

Kelly: i got a walking boot

i look like a retarded astronaut

Ephemerist: what??????????????????????????

no fucking way. those big plasticy ones

Kelly: not happy

yes

Ephemerist: what did they say

Kelly: just when I started working out again

i’m going to be fat forever

that its ’soft tissue’

Ephemerist: OMIGOD

what does that mean

Kelly: a bad muscle pull or something

Ephemerist: why did they give you the boot, so to speak?

Kelly: that I have to wear this thing for two weeks and let the swelling go down

so he can see

Ephemerist: dude.

Kelly: I freaked out and after he left made the nurses go get him and was like

Do I HAVE to wear this thing

and he was like you don’t HAVE to but if you want this to go away in two weeks I think you should

and the stupid thing is $250

i’m fucked if the insurance doesn’t cover

but I was assured ‘they should’

but couldn’t get a100%

Ephemerist: that totally trumps the air cast I wore when I twisted my ankle wearing cami’s high heels.

but let’s not talk about that. did they have the astroboot there in the office?

they sent you away with it like a shitty door prize, and 250 in the hole? sort of.

Kelly: yeah

I’ve got it on now

I spacewalked back to work with my other sneaker in a bag

 

Gchats With Kelly: Human Resources Totally Supports You

In this thrilling edition of Gchats with Kelly, a semi-regular reposting of work-a-day chat sessions, we learn that some human resources departments totally have your back, no matter how egregious the offense. As is the custom, everything below is [sic], with ever so minor editing for clarity.

Kelly: so apparently this guy that we indirectly work for at [redacted], caused this car accident that killed people, then he left the scene, and is now being charged pleading guilty- and the [redacted] didn’t fire him, he ended up resigning guess i shouldn’t worry so much about calling in sick if they don’t fire you for road rage/ causing deaths Ephemerist: yeah. You pretty much have license to run amok now. Shit in the coffee maker? At least I didn’t kill anyone. Come to work drunk? Least I didn’t kill anyone. Go ahead, reassign me, and while you’e at it, I’ll be fucking your boyfriend. Nyah nyah. Kelly: trueHe is sort of a jerk, well to our dept at least so I don’t really feel all that bad which is cynical of me Ephemerist: when did this happen? is it on the news/interwebs? can I read about it? Kelly: i don’t know i think soYeah apparently by slamming his breaks the car had to swerve to not hit him lost control and went over the median and hit on on coming car dead on killing this poor 58 year old woman who had two kids

Ephemerist: that is why I don’t drive.ugh. and he wasn’t like, drunk. just drunk on rage.

Kelly: i know, he commutes something crazy like 2 hours a day HR is like, he is our friend we should support him

and [redacted]’s boss is likeum he went crazy with road rage and killed someone and if i was still superintendent of a school district and someone did that – we would fire them

Ephemerist: Right. calling all serial killers, totally apply for a job at the [redacted]…they’ll “stick beside you” and “support you”. HR is awesome.

Kelly: our HR department is totally crazy