Memo: Ephemerist Is Taking the Week Off

For the next week I’ll be away in the humid, right-wing, child-abducting, oppressive, drug smuggle-y, swampy, culturally bereft, oft-racist, covertly and-overtly criminal, serial killer-spawning, mosquito-ridden, alligator-infested, traffic-snarled, citrusy penal colony I was raised in:  or, as you call it, Florida.

Nevertheless, I’ll actually see a fair amount of sunshine and warmth, as opposed to New York’s pitiful excuse for a summer thus far.  I will happily bear the heat by luxuriating in my parents’ air-conditioned home, or perhaps with a dip in their pool!

Updates to resume when I return.  Assuming that I do!

Every State Gets the Blog It Deserves

Given my feelings toward the strange swampland that is called Florida, happy was I to discover the aptly-named FloriDUH blog, which keeps tabs on all the esoteric, improbable and often backwards doings of that sun-baked peninsula. It is all crazy stories, of which Florida seemingly has no shortage of. Like the lady that went nuts on her druggy boyfriend with a toilet seat. Or the sexy nudie resort called Caliente. Images of Jesus spotted in sonograms. Along with the obligatory man-struck-by-lightning coverage. Still! Their tag line is “we’ve all been in the sun too long” and that is the truth. If one lives in Florida too long, that sun will cook your brain like an clay pot in a kiln. It’s been nigh on nine years (help me!) that I left the place and yet, one cannot completely erase the taint of Florida from their persona. Inevitably, when introduced to someone new at some social event, I can tell in under three minutes of conversation whether or not they’ve served time in that humid penal colony of a state.

So, uh, keep up the good work Sun-Sentinel bloggers. Lest I start to become nostalgic for the land of crackers, gators, love bugs and the odd shark attack.

Jumping the Surfer!

Holy crap, Nature! Some lucky photog captured an amazing shot of of a shark leaping out of the water near some surfers in, of course, Florida — the nexus of all things weird, wondrous and awful. Still! Amazing. And the surfers, presumably, were oblivious. (Click on the image for the full slideshow.)

local6 [via newsvine]

Nuts To You, McGillicutty

“The Florida Senate on Thursday passed an amendment to impose a $60 fine on Truck Nutz, one brand name for the novelty item on vehicle trailer hitches that resemble the dangling southern end of a northbound bull.”[Tallahassee Democrat via Wonkette]

Earlier: Busting a Nut

Stingray: Menace From the Deep

When I heard this story I was like, seriously? But then again, it happened in Florida and as we all know, Florida is a cesspool and the nexus for all sorts of inexplicably insane phenomenon. Still!

A woman who was sunbathing on a boat was apparently killed when a stingray leapt out of the water and stuck her. She died after falling backwards and suffering head trauma. Says CBS 4:

Initial reports had indicated that the animal’s sharp defensive barb, located near the base of its tail, had lodged in the woman’s neck. Those reports turned out to be unfounded.

The woman, who was from Pigeon, Michigan, died before help could arrive. She was aboard a rented boat with her sister, father, and mother. They were on vacation.

Worse:

“It’s a common behavior for Eagles Rays to go ‘aerial’, or breach the surface,” said Robert Rose, a curator with the Miami Seaquarium. “There are many reasons why they do it. They could be fleeing a predator or trying to dislodge a parasite.”

What? This poor woman, who was just trying to get a nice tan on vacay in Florida, was the victim of sea creature skittishness? Think of the all the vacationers who’ll now be too horrified to sun themselves on a pleasure craft for fear of being assaulted by an aerial stingray. One of these horrific creatures already robbed us of beloved “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin. The solution is clear: EXTERMINATE ALL STINGRAYS!

More coverage via Google News.